a letter to letteria, the kindergarten edition

Letty's first day of kindergarten is on Monday.
Let's just marinate in my own self-pity for a bit shall we? With my eldest heading off to public school for the first time and being gone for seven some odd hours a day it's been happening to me a lot lately. My mind starts to wander and go down a zillion different paths and I feel the panic start to rise and my chest hurts a bit and then I'm just practicing breathing so I don't lose my mind right in front of her. Little things like the stress of a new routine and the drop off process right on over to the fact this school had something like five bomb threats this previous spring....Filling out pages of paperwork and emergency contacts and immunization records... I imagine her walking into the cafeteria and her anxiety about the unknown. I felt the same way when I first entered that same cafeteria at the start of 7th grade, I can only hope that a younger more innocent mind won't suffer from the same....So I'm all over the place. Worrying about things I cannot control and mourning a summer coming to an end. It all happened faster than I could have imagined. I had all these ideas of what our summer would look like, and all I would do with them and get done and while most of it has a nice big mental check next to it there's plenty I wish we had more time for. September never come! I'll home school you this year Letteria if you'd only promise to listen! But she won't... and I can't. I'll recognize my limits and know that that dear lovely daughter of mine and homeschooling would never work. Ever. 

And so here it is. It's coming. It's taking my favorite season over by storm and coloring the entire thing, leaving a hint of a bitter aftertaste when I think of it because now... Now she goes. Now it's real.

I wish so much for my girl. I wish for her to gain confidence and to be a leader, not a follower. I wish for her to always do what we would expect of her, no matter what anyone else is doing. I wish for her to start reading because she's just going to love it so much and I cannot wait to introduce her to all the wonderful worlds I spent so much of my elementary years absorbed in. I wish for her to make some good friends, ones that will be by her side for the coming however many years. I wish that she walks in her first day as a fearless little lady. I wish for her to feel welcomed and included. I wish for her to be the nice girl, the good girl. I wouldn't even mind it if she was a goody two shoes or a teacher's pet. Why not?! Nothing wrong with that! I want her to be honest and be hard working and follow her teachers instructions. I hope she knows she can always ask questions and speak up and participate. I wish she loves her teacher and school over all. I wish for her to never be scared. I wish for her to be happy and to be safe. And then for her to come home immediately and tell me all about her day. None of this one or two word answers this year miss. I need alllll the info.  I hope she knows she has a big giant piece of my heart with her the entire day long...

And hopefully by the middle of September I will have fully recovered and I can just marinate in all the pumpkins and spice and everything nice and enjoy the alone time with Dominic... Because you guessed it, two weeks after Letty starts, David starts pre-k. So. While I'm never one to wish time away I sure wouldn't mind skipping the messy bits coming up in the next week or two...