matt watches twilight

Matt volunteered to watch Twilight with me while drinking and luckily I am a speedy typer so I was able to record all he said during the film...
Awwwwwkward. Could you imagine that with me and Letty? 

Is he actually in a wheel chair in the book? Does he say "I'm still dancing" in the book??

It's Forks! Rolls the windows up!

She looks awkwardly white.

*Makes giant fart noise when Bella walks into the classroom and first sits next to Edward.*
I just have to endure it. (to which I start crying laughing for an extended period of time)

I never noticed how they put the wings behind him. (yes it makes him look like an angel) huh.

She can't put ketchup on her veggie burger because it looks like blood.

If this was like a Media movie, yo bitch! what's yo problem!

Good God their awkward. (Charlie and Bella)

You think they put her in that white see-through shirt with the black tank top underneath it and the guy's dumping water on her for no reason? (I'm eye rolling him)

I'm your lover.....

He's staring at her boobs. Take a picture pervert it'll last longer. (he's concentrating) On her HOOTERS.

I have diarrhea I have to leave. (when she comments on his eye color in the hallway)

Typical. Can't drive.

What's up with your son? Because that mofo is quick!

This movie is so awkward I love it. I really do. I feel awkward just watching it. I want to watch every movie Rob Pattinson ever made. Remember Me? My God.

Nobody's gonna believe you didn't wear make up for this scene. Especially your lipstick.

Oh no. (Bella sees Edward in her room and thinks its a dream) Giving girls good dreams since 2009!

Name placement! (Edward said Google)

God bitch watch where you *bleeping* walk!

Itty bitty titties! (poor Anna Kendrick). The director in this movie should have put a push up bra on those things. I mean in Pitch Perfect that girl plays cups on a stage and men are like aahhhhhhhhh. You could make a gif of that scene along and I would watch it on a loop for eight hours a day. (more eye rolls)

I love how everybody at that table knows they are talking about her and they just look down.

She knows. Something is up with them. She knows.

No.  They are still small.

The music in this movie is amazing.

OH! I'M BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!

Oh seat belt? He can't die!!!

The name of that restaurant is The Bloated Toad.

That is thoughtful. Thank you for being thoughtful.

Is she actually a vegetarian?

My special diet. Pulsing through your veins!

Respect this scene. I'm a shut my mouth.

I just love how that guy just looks over and happy sighs.

I dunno. The movie gets me. It does.

Oh. They touch hands. Cold as ice. Say it. 

Okay fine! I was holding a glass of ice water!!!!

I love how they make the pepper spray the size of her head.

I wonder how many takes of that scene they had to do to get the name across the screen.

They are gonna go to Google again. On an Apple computer.

I love how they sneak in the word vampire like a line above.

Respect the scene. Shhhh.

The panting gets old though.

Skittles! (in response to what do we eat)

I look like a tranny in Miami with glitter on. Oh...wait for it.

Man musk.

Blinded by your peacoat. Those buttons on your coat look double breasted. Did you get your lipstick at Ulta?

This is like 50 Shades.

They end up in the grass somehow.

I wanna have your babies.

Cue music. Ray Bans. Volvo. Sex.

Oh Mercedes.. Name dropper.

God that got weird.

Find a tanning booth.

She farted. (In response to Rosalie's comment of here comes the human)

I feel like he has a wig. Carlton? This is Fresh Prince of Bel Air right?

The never sleep would be terrible.

He doesn't fly. Is this X-Men?

Apparently they are fornicating in the trees.

People are going to read this post and be like wow... I could never watch a movie with this guy. He just never shuts up.

I'm a big fan of the piano music through the whole movie though. (before kids Matt could play me Twilight music on his piano soooo.... swoon).

Gasp! It's her! (Stephenie Meyer)

I always thought that scene was cute. It's cute stalking.

Don't do it! You're gonna wanna bite her neck!

I feel like there's dogs somewhere.

She's already in her underwear? What the bleep kinda movie is this?


Well since we can't do anything let's just sit and talk to a guitar playing in the background. And here fall asleep in my armpit. My hundred year old armpit.

I'm gonna strangle you with my wig.

I hate how they filmed them like floating.

That's twice they've said that. Burn the pieces.

A damsel in distress.

I hate how they have these scenes and then in the background they have a guy in the background just wailing on a guitar.

He straight Michael Tyson'd him. 

Ha tear him apart and burn the pieces. 

He's gone cross-eyed. 

She's got a cocaine problem. Always sniffing. 

I love how they make it seems so black and white here and yet by the end of the series they are practically having a threesome. 

Forever? Until somebody rips your body apart and burns it into pieces!!!!

I don't remember this part at all. (Bella trying to convince Edward to change her at prom) Gentle Jesus. Weird. Nope. You gotta wait three more movies for that.  (four, technically)

I just love how awkward they are together. 

I love how they change people for Victoria. Nope.


And okay. We are done here. Thanks for indulging me in this glimpse into Matt's wine mind. Until next time....