I lieu of the fact this Sunday is a day about dads and I've already waxed poetic about my dad here and Matt here I couldn't do more of that now could I? Too many kind words of affirmation not being my thing after all. But Matt is a man of much wondrousness and among his many kind sacrifices is that he watches crap tv with me. One such program being the Real Housewives of New York City. But he doesn't do this silently. Oh no. I am also blessed with his verbal disgust of said show for the duration. Revenge is a dish best served cold...
I waited until he had some wine and then I wrote down every single thing he said during the episode.
Disclaimer: For the sake of the more sensitive readers today please assume that every time you see "Summer's Eve" that I am censoring my dear husband who saves the majority of his cursing for post bedtime time.
Disclaimer 2.0: I deeply apologize for anyone offended by the writing of this post. No one was harmed during this viewing and I assure you we would both be like two fan girls if we ran into any of the housewives. All in good fun.
And so in fair Pennsylvania, where we set our scene. At 9 pm. Last Tuesday evening....
Oh look. Dumb dumbs here. (Referring to Ramona, his personal fav)
Did Ramona bring her own wine? Oh, here it is. Label out. Just shoving it down our throats.
Sonja is about as old as Marilyn Monroe too.
Who pays for these trips? I thought she's getting sued?
You know Summer's Eve is going to come up. Jeez.
I bet you Ramona's wine has arsenic in. No one has tested it. Piss water probably.
Jeff Lewis is starting a family? Is he adopting? Or is that brunette going to be a surrogate?
What in the Summer's Eve are you doing?! (Referring to shoe pics for Kristin's blog, which I mean I'm no fashion blogger but he's taking far too many photos of me "for the blog" to judge poor Kristin)
I think she tries too hard (Carole). I mean she's gotta be pushing 130.
This is not even hot. (The lesbian sex dream). I feel like she's having sex with the crypt keeper. Ever see that show? Skeleton guy? Tales from the crypt!! (Then he texted me this picture)
Hahah that scene from Shrek: what I meant to say that I did or didn't do it? Summer's Eve I want to see it now. (He's talking about this video which he then found and watched)
That'll come out in the Andy Cohen reunion.
What the Summer's Eve is she wearing? (Russian hat on Bethenny)
She doesn't give a Summer's Eve about you.
She looks like a Summer's Eve idiot. (Kristin)
She's a Summer's Eve wreck. (Bethenny)
Are they eating soup out of cups!?
Uhhh ohhhh we are running out of fast forwarding ability. I have to watch the same Summer's Eve twice.
Oh spreading herpes all around. The girl is desperate. (Sonja)
How does that work in a restaurant like that? The cameras are all around. So what do they like clap their hands and say hey can I have your attention? (To which I then attempted to explain how it worked when I used to work for the TV station. Quite experienced in this field. Quite.)
They travel in packs!
I love when they do those little two minute clips. It's the best part of the show. Then I need to sit through commercials. Two minutes of uselessness.
I feel like they should have done a Dumb and Dumber scene here. The big roter saws? Ha ha.
She's ways squinting. Ramona. Like she's just trying to figure it out.
Oh my god. I'm pretty sure people were saying this yearsssss ago and they just forgot about it. (Bros before hoes)
I like that sign. Bed of Nails but the "a" was upside down with olives in a glass so you can drink and get a pedicure. My two favorite things in life.
I would not be surprised if there were pictures of Luann in a bikini and she had balls.
You had to show us that Kristin? What the.
Did she say that it's like a 12 step program to get over alcoholism but you start with drinks? Holy...
Is that guy on Queer Eye for a Straight Guy? I feel like that guy could be a lot of fun.
Oh my god.
Sigh. Let's talk about this again. (Bethenny)
Do you honestly think Bethenny cares about these people? I think she shows up for the paycheck. That's what I think. Like all these people. What do they have in their life. Like the Countess. This is all she has.
Show your midriff again, do it.
Dumb dumbs here!!!
Cheesus.
I feel like they try to cause Summer's Eve. There is no reason for this conversation at all. Especially at a party.
Cheesus god here we go. What time is it? Has to be five minutes before the end of the show. (it was)
Finally someone tells her to shut the Summer's Eve up.
Happy Father's Day Matt. Kiss kiss.
