things I never thought I would do. otherwise known as the joys of motherhood.

You know being a mom is going to have it's gross moments. You hear about what it does to your body before they are even on the outside. How you lose all sense of humility after such a show that is childbirth. Breast feeding in public? Something I never thought I would do. Much less traumatic than the scene that is birth, these kids just bring a whole lot of other "I can't believe I'm doing this" moments. And yes, I know. I've only just begun. Cue The Carpenters. But I also wouldn't change a single thing. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever been. But it is the grossest. 

Warning: Poop. If you can't handle that you know what to do.

I have been caught red-handed eating something I didn't want to share. A time or two. There was the blank stare. The stopping of the chewing. The awkward swallowing and then the pretending there was nothing to see here. Hoarding my candy? Something I never thought I'd do. Other such things?

Using my shirt to wipe snot off a nose. Or two. 

Wiping a tiney hiney after she uses the potty a half dozen times a day. 

Having two other humans with me while I use the bathroom. Every time. 

Cutting in line in front of 30 people so SOMEONE can use the bathroom. In a port-a-john.

Scarfing down my food so fast I get hiccups. Frequently.

Getting human fecal matter on my hands so often I've lost count. Also: the loss of my gag reflex. 

Repeat the above but on my pants. 

Showering with two humans running amok daily. I guess we live in a naked house. Shudder.

Cleaning food off a restaurant floor to save the poor server that chore. 

Catching throw up IN MY HANDS to protect a carpet. 

Recreating a scene from Dexter in my living room for a sick kid. Projectile vomit is no joke.

Holding a three year old in my arms while she goes to the bathroom. Outside. In the wide open space. 

Excuse me while I go douse myself in anti-bacterial gel. Gag. Oh good! It's back.