a girl's guide to potty training

We are in the midst of day two of my captivity potty training here at the Olsen Residence. We started this nonsense in December. Our first mistake was not going balls to the wall. Life got in the way. And if you know Letty it is a Battle of the Wills with a lot of things. And this is something she's holding on to with a fury. So. If you're going to do it, really do it. Clear the calendar. Like really. Not just because everyone says you need to but because it's true. Good thing it's 800 degrees out so I have zero will to leave my house.

Let us first discuss all of the things we tried and failed. Crash. And. Burn. Basically everything you read about. The Purchasing of Fun Underpants. Sugar rewards. Chocolate. Chewy sprees. Fruit snacks. Pops. Toy rewards. We spent an obscene amount of her Christmas money on little Disney figurines. One for every pee on potty. She has 90. Clearly not effective. Bribery. You can have a sleepover with Nonna or Avery/get a Princess Brooke dress/go to Disney if you use the potty.  Reverse psychology. Oh Letty I hope you never use the potty because I'd miss you too much at those sleepovers. Putting her on the potty and informing her she cannot get up until she goes. This girl would just hold it. For hours. Sticker charts on the fridge. Threats. You cannot go on any rides at Dutch Wonderland until you use the potty. Except that's punishment for D and I because a one year old so enjoys theme park rides and I like seeing my friend so I cave.  That list just won me a ton of Mother of the Year awards didn't it? Why thank you. Thank you very much. 

This is why we are where we are today. Because we've run out of ideas and after reading lots of parenting articles we have one option left. And I'm sorry letting her decide isn't one of them. She's smart. She's almost three. She's just being stubborn. I know her and she's just like me. It ain't flying. What is this final option? Putting her in underpants and preparing yourself for days of cleaning up what happens next. 

That sounds tortuous doesn't it? Trust me it's better than the alternative.  So without further ado, here is my survival guide. 

Wine. I can only take hearing 'I don't want to' so many times before cracks start to appear in my normally perfectly composed and calm facade. The wine heals those fissures. It also makes the removal of poo from a pair of underpants sting a bit less. Bonus? Lessens the prevalence of the gag reflex. 

Keep the mess contained to one room. Preferably one with no carpet and no upholstered furniture. I chose the kitchen for its relation to both cleaning products and wine. 

Patience. I've ran out so if you could send some my way I'm sure Letty would appreciate it. 

We are still doing the reward thing. She gets a chocolate coin left over from D's party. Plus a sticker on her chart. She cries after she goes. Like she's embarrassed. These things stop the crying. We must stop the crying!

Schtuff to occupy her. She's a free spirit this one. Normally has free reign over the entire house. So you can imagine her consternation at being trapped in one room. So there's crayons. Stickers. Water colors. Markers. Chalk and chalkboard wall. Snacks. iPads. Etc. 

Books. For her. For you. For that other little creature that still gets to piss in his drawers. Lucky thing. What else are you going to do once you've found the end of the Internet? Candy Crush? Do I dare?

Fashion some sort of gate to corral Letty-in-her-Underpants and her crafts away from David. This works on many levels. She won't push him. He won't get into her crafts/pee. Win win. 

A blanket. Because my slate floor is flipping freezing. 

Knowing how much each diaper costs us. Ours are 19 cents per diap. So each time she goes in the potty yay! She saved us 19 cents! Each time I'm scrubbing the floor my mantra becomes: 19 cents per diaper. $1.14 a day. $7.98 a week. $31.92 a month. $383.04 a year. Her college fund could use that coin. WE could use that coin. Take another anti-bacterial wipe. 

And that's it for now. Wish us luck. It has the potential to be a very to be a long weekend indeed. Potty Training HQ. Over and out.