day sixteen: woe is me

Today's topic is about something difficult with my "lot in life" etc. I need to say right off that I've been dreading this post topic since I first read it in April. I just don't like it. So there.

2013. For some reason I've started referring to it as 2013: The Year of the Dragon. 2013 can pretty much suck a nut. Let me elaborate. 

1) My mother was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer right before Christmas. We had no idea how bad it was or what was going to happen to her. It consumed everybody, everyday, every time. In January she had massive surgery at Sloan Kettering and all the nasty was removed. The staging scared us. The six rounds of chemo scared us. But it's all gone now. Good riddance. While she still has to suffer through the chemo treatments, (one more left!) we are all breathing much easier lately. She's our MOM you know? I can't even begin to describe the fear unless you yourself have gone through a scare, or worse, a loss. You look at things differently. You expect the worst but try to squash that thought in it's tracks. You try to burn images and sounds into your mind. Thank God I have more time with my mom. I mean really. Amen.

2) My Grandma passed away very unexpectedly. She had a stroke two days before my mother's surgery. We were given the bad news as my mother was under anaesthesia. We drove past The City knowing our mother would soon be waking up and we would learn news good or bad. We had to keep driving. We had to say goodbye. I talked a little about my Grandma here... but words can't do her justice or explain what this time was like. No one but my immediate family knows. Being one place you so desperately did not want to be but had to be... all while desperately needing and wanting to be somewhere else. The questions. The doubt. I gained my mom's health but lost my Grandma that night. My father has really had an unbelievably difficult time. Can you imagine? I can't. I just feel for him. I try to make him laugh. Make my old laughing dad come back a little at a time.

3) My dad went into the hospital the beginning of this month because he was unable to swallow. As a result of that he got pneumonia. After a few days of tests it was discovered that he had a small stroke. Thank God it was small. Here we go again right? My other parent. The head of the family. Throw the word stroke in there and we are all frightened all over again. He is really doing quite fantastically. He has some blood "thing" that we all may or may not have. But the good news here is it's treatable and he's home and we know now. That helps ease some fears. 

Quite a few people said to me recently gee, can't your family catch a break?!  My initial reaction is a cyncical laugh and general agreement. But maybe that's wrong? Maybe we caught a few breaks. My mom is going to be FINE. After the fear of January we have some peace. We got a painful reminder to enjoy each day and every moment and memorize everything. My Grandma left this world without "growing old" which was something she feared. So maybe it was on her own terms? No sickness. No weakness. No struggle. Just peacefully leaving this world surrounded by her family. My dad's situation could have been just horrific. A stroke is a frightening term. Yet yesterday he went to the gym and ran just like usual. He knows he has this blood "thing" and he knows to treat it. We know we may have it. We are AWARE. We got another reminder to be IN each day. To focus. To enjoy. 

I think we have caught some breaks after all. 

So that's my lot in life at the moment. It could be worse. I just hope to God it doesn't get worse. Not sure how much more we can take. But no I'm not cynical. 

Tomorrow's post: Favorite picture of me? Sigh.